dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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