my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
