Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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