She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
