Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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