4 words: hood of his car
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
