I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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