White coat. Heels.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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