So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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