I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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