i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
