Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
