he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
