Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
