the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize