I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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