How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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