I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
