i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
