Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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