Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It was confusing and full of hummus
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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