just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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