I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
