smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
