does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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