I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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