I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Do vagina's smell?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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