I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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