I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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