If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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