ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
