There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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