i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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