I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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