Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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