I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
