He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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