did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
