you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
