yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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