his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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