She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
