I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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