Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
