she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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