I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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