Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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