can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
