i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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