I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
