I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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