Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
