Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
