Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have aggressive nipples.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
