Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Houston, we have a squirter
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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