I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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